Look Homeward, Paxil

I am 24 years old.  I have been on Paxil for eight years.  That's one-third of my entire life.  I recently began to feel that Paxil just wasn't doing it for me anymore.  I figured that I should've be able to drive wherever I wanted anxiety-free.  I felt I should've been completely calm and collected at all times.  In my mind, Paxil was supposed to have erased panic attacks for me.  But it hadn't.  In eight years, Paxil had kept my anxiety static for the most part.  I decided it was time for a change.

I began seeing a new psychiatrist who promptly switched me from Paxil to Lexapro.  I took my dosages of Lexapro enthusiastically, knowing that I was getting better with every pill. 

First, I was feeling OK.

Then, I started feeling kind of detached from reality.

The third phase was when I began feeling anger and hatred toward everyone and everything in my path.

And I do mean everything.



I hate you.

For the past two or three days, I have been in a new phase: the anxiety and depression phase.  My anxiety has been worse than ever before, and I am anxious most of the time.  When I'm not feeling anxious, I am depressed because I have been anxious.  It's really a vicious cycle. 

Each time I panic, I wonder "Is THIS the panic attack that's going to land me in the hospital and deplete my savings account while doctors perform hundreds of unnecessary tests on me while I happily snooze away because I'm finally on medical watch and have probably been given tranquilizers and/or sedatives?"

 Or... "Is THIS going to be the panic attack that never ends and the only way to make it go away is to literally die?"

Or... "Is THIS going to be the panic attack that sends me running home to my parents, crushing any sense of independence I ever had?"

How my brain feels.

Obviously, the thoughts that I am having are less than constructive and certainly aren't doing me any good.  I realize this, and thus made an appointment to see my psychiatrist earlier today.  Together we decided that Lexapro is not the best option for me.  Tonight I will restart my Paxil regimen and begin to taper off of Lexapro.

I'm tempted to give Lexapro a great big two thumbs down, but I'm not sure I gave it enough time to really make that judgment.  I knew though, that I didn't have it within me to keep going on that drug at this time. 

It is crucial to remember that just because we try to do something and don't see it through all the way doesn't make us complete failures.  So I wasn't able to switch medications.  So what?  The important thing is that I was brave enough to try.